Basically, I'm coming to the realization that I'm (especially being the first male of about 25 grandchildren to attend college in America) expected to surpass the bar... but the bar is raised high. African dude with middle school education comes to America with no family, works at Dominoes to pay his way through Nursing school, graduates Suma Cum-Laude and goes on to be nicee- If that's not a movie i'll be damned. How do you top that??? Can you say pressure?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
How am I supposed to do this.
Soooo... I couldn't get my thoughts out the last time I blogged for reasons unbeknownst to me... but here I am... this is what I've realized... my emotions are very uhhhh... roller coastery. At one point, i can't think of anything that's going wrong and within 24 hours... or even just a couple hours, life seems to be so... idk- Useless maybe. It's the weirdest thing.. sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking about... what I've come up with, along with the assistance of special Lady #3 (#1 is mommy, #2 is Stronggg) is that I've not reached a level of achievement that satisfies me as a person. ANNNNDDD until I reach that point, I will have that emptiness feeling.. Problem is, I expect so much from myself that anything less than stellar will leave me unsatisfied. Dilemma huh? I think recently, my biggest worry has been my family in Ghana. Some of them are broke beyond comfort... not cool. I'd love to help but don't quite have the means... now how much would it suck if the first generation managed to contribute but the second generation in America failed. I' m dealing with pressures of my own will as well as the expectation that i'll do better than my parents by ALOT. This is not an easy feat... they are doing quite well indeed. How the hell do I do that???
Friday, July 16, 2010
ok... ok... OK!!!!
So even tho I'm slightly pissed because i missed out on a trip to King's Dominion (longgg story) i am relatively happy right now. Soo i just landed two mega awesome Internships with the University of Maryland and school hasn't even started yet. You know what that does to a young man's confidence??? Let's be real- seeing as my goals are so off the wall from most people's (I want in on the entertainment world) my biggest fear in life is failing. At life. Like... I've been told so much that i have to do something that if I did nothing, or was even close to average, I'd fail. That's another thing: If i'm simply above average, I'll feel like a failure. I need to be the best at what I do... whatever it may be.
My biggest obstacle to success: ME
I need to stay focused and make sure I target the success- not the money.
High School: I realized something that made me so friggin happy: When I look at media, I realize that they rely heavily on Urban Influences. Going through the public school system and attending a school like Randallstown, I understand the urban environment very well. This means that in addition to communicating with the "upper end" players in the system, I can also communicate with the people with whom others are afraid to speak. I'm trying to say a lot without saying it... i guess going to a "black" school will be a surprising advantage.
I am planning my life so that I have a Plan B, Plan C, Plan D etc. This is a must... if I catch tunnel vision and throw all my energy into one goal, assuming that goal is unmet, I'll just be another dreamer that never made it.
But with my Senior year internship, I befriended the Public Relations Manager for the Washington Wizards which is a great little su' sum' =). Now, I got one with UMD's flagship sports media outlet and an writing gig with a music website. LET'S GO CAL!!! rrrrraaaahhh
lol... I got crap on my mind- I'll be back
Already? Already.
Steeerrrroooookkkkeeee
Thursday, February 11, 2010
This Blog would've died if not for Miles.
"I've sat here and thought for a hot minute and there's no word or set of words that describes ... Once again everything fine internally, comfy with Edem blah blah that shit is not the point. Why is... what the fuck I can't even explain.
June watev the bloody date is, We're gone and never looking back. Like seriously?? I can't take this crap with me. The reservations and everything surrounding them is not condusive to success. I'm damn near convinced these four years have been the worst years in terms of social development. It's almost impossible to make decent friends RHS. 10% of the school suffers from lead poisoning and another 30% is on meds for this that or the other. So I've been in a school with paint chip kids and the future "I had a dream and failed"s of the world. <--- that was a terrible thing to say but yeah.
Randallstown has been just about everything people said it would be. Even the 'smart' ones tend to b brick stupid. I'll make one final attempt to set things right with a ton of people.. y am I constantly reaching?? and if that doesn't work have a nice life mother_ *except for a few individuals. u kno who u r.
This is stupid. Why do I blog. Why am I even typing my thoughts. THEY'RE MY THOUGHTS. I should delete this crap. With time. It's not time yet. This crap will be gone soon. I don't like it. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. fuck it. Things that should stay will stay and everything else will be forgotten within 2 weeks of graduation. Tired of it.
I came from a predominantly white school so i acted diff than the average student- for this i was alienated from the rest... except for Kevin and eventually Wilson. I've never been one to sit there and feel sorry for myself so when people attempted to hurt me, I returned the favor thrice fold. Now that we're all older and people think it's cool to be different, all these random people *even some who didn't like or understand me, want to be cool. Some are pretty cool but I see thru alot of crap. there's too much crap. *FLUSH
I think of all things I want in life, I want someone to UNDERSTAND. not even agree... i could care less... just UNDERSTAND. I'm at the point that I get scared to speak on things because even those who are close have the same misinterpretation and I feel crappy. i reallllllly don't understand why I'm writing this... nothing changes. The good part of the whole situation (something happy lol) is that it's not always like this- mostly RHS... it's like i started to tink this is how my life would be, forgettingtat RHS is not representative of the world... if anything, I'd say Terpnet (thnx Nicole and Yvette) gave me that otherside i've been missing. Within a week, I've already met a couple people who shareinterests that no one in school does... i'm rambling.
FOR THE RECORD- Marcus, Miles, Yvette (the people that I think will read this today... maybe not u Fubar lol) this is not an attack on any of you so no taking offense or bitching. this is the stupidity that is Edem ."
^^ So I typed this about an hour ago and read it like 6 times. It sounds hella grr but that was exactly how I felt. I say felt bcuz I'm not irritated anymore but people tend to be more honest when they're upset. I could never say that stuff right now- the wonders of frustration. LOL come to think of it, this is like a light version of how my convo's used to go with Fubar when I vented on the world. Why didn't I call? good question Edem.
* it's prob necessary that I establish I don't feel like i'm bttr thn anyone b4 tht turns into another misconception. i'm sure someone will draw something false out of this but i've covered most of my bases so i won't care too much. bye
June watev the bloody date is, We're gone and never looking back. Like seriously?? I can't take this crap with me. The reservations and everything surrounding them is not condusive to success. I'm damn near convinced these four years have been the worst years in terms of social development. It's almost impossible to make decent friends RHS. 10% of the school suffers from lead poisoning and another 30% is on meds for this that or the other. So I've been in a school with paint chip kids and the future "I had a dream and failed"s of the world. <--- that was a terrible thing to say but yeah.
Randallstown has been just about everything people said it would be. Even the 'smart' ones tend to b brick stupid. I'll make one final attempt to set things right with a ton of people.. y am I constantly reaching?? and if that doesn't work have a nice life mother_ *except for a few individuals. u kno who u r.
This is stupid. Why do I blog. Why am I even typing my thoughts. THEY'RE MY THOUGHTS. I should delete this crap. With time. It's not time yet. This crap will be gone soon. I don't like it. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. fuck it. Things that should stay will stay and everything else will be forgotten within 2 weeks of graduation. Tired of it.
I came from a predominantly white school so i acted diff than the average student- for this i was alienated from the rest... except for Kevin and eventually Wilson. I've never been one to sit there and feel sorry for myself so when people attempted to hurt me, I returned the favor thrice fold. Now that we're all older and people think it's cool to be different, all these random people *even some who didn't like or understand me, want to be cool. Some are pretty cool but I see thru alot of crap. there's too much crap. *FLUSH
I think of all things I want in life, I want someone to UNDERSTAND. not even agree... i could care less... just UNDERSTAND. I'm at the point that I get scared to speak on things because even those who are close have the same misinterpretation and I feel crappy. i reallllllly don't understand why I'm writing this... nothing changes. The good part of the whole situation (something happy lol) is that it's not always like this- mostly RHS... it's like i started to tink this is how my life would be, forgettingtat RHS is not representative of the world... if anything, I'd say Terpnet (thnx Nicole and Yvette) gave me that otherside i've been missing. Within a week, I've already met a couple people who shareinterests that no one in school does... i'm rambling.
FOR THE RECORD- Marcus, Miles, Yvette (the people that I think will read this today... maybe not u Fubar lol) this is not an attack on any of you so no taking offense or bitching. this is the stupidity that is Edem ."
^^ So I typed this about an hour ago and read it like 6 times. It sounds hella grr but that was exactly how I felt. I say felt bcuz I'm not irritated anymore but people tend to be more honest when they're upset. I could never say that stuff right now- the wonders of frustration. LOL come to think of it, this is like a light version of how my convo's used to go with Fubar when I vented on the world. Why didn't I call? good question Edem.
* it's prob necessary that I establish I don't feel like i'm bttr thn anyone b4 tht turns into another misconception. i'm sure someone will draw something false out of this but i've covered most of my bases so i won't care too much. bye
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
So I was Google-ing...
and I came across this comment by some random dude in Seattle Washington. BEAST!!!!!!! I hope this is legal... I'm not claiming his writing.. it's just freggin awesome.
It's from www.stevepavlina.com (I was researching drifting friendships) and this guy wants a dollar lol:
"The idea of staying together forever is a bit outdated. Times change, people change, etc. and life goes on, with or without your old friends. This is a result, primarily, of the fact that it's easier and easier to find new friends with interests similar to your new interests. Sure, you don't share that same history, but that just means there's more to talk about, if you ever run out. "
If this doesn't make ur eyes go O.O!!!!... dude.
It's from www.stevepavlina.com (I was researching drifting friendships) and this guy wants a dollar lol:
"The idea of staying together forever is a bit outdated. Times change, people change, etc. and life goes on, with or without your old friends. This is a result, primarily, of the fact that it's easier and easier to find new friends with interests similar to your new interests. Sure, you don't share that same history, but that just means there's more to talk about, if you ever run out. "
If this doesn't make ur eyes go O.O!!!!... dude.
Huggghhhhhh!!!
So I came to a realization today after looking at people in grocery stores (lol yes very random) Specifically Mars and Wal Mart- By my standards, alot of people's living conditions suck. I mean like, I saw all these people with missing teeth and holes in their jeans (not homeless) extra obese, really sad looking in the face, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. Now with this "realization", I felt even better about the little things in life that people take for granted. Health insurance- hella sick people in this world with no funds to pay for it. A washing machine- YES A WASHING MACHINE. People, especially those who live in apt complexes that don't have machines have to go the laundry mat- that's money, time and energy wasted on something I can just go down stairs, push a button and forget about.
What hit me the most was thinking about what these people may have been like at my age- they had dreams too. They had a picture in their minds, but i highly doubt that their current condition is an accurate reflection of it. This then brought me to my peers... none of the people in my school, except for maybe this one kid, even slightly resembles what I saw in these stores today. IN AMERICA!!! It is quite saddening. Anyways, when i thought of my peers and looked at these people, I wondered, "how many of my friends/associates/ acquaintances are going to look like this in 15 years?" WOW. Some of these victims of "a dream deferred" were once the future engineers, pharmacists, doctors, athletes and lawyers of the world. Enough to make me blog right?
I really don't want to be like that when I get older... I don't even have family like that so maybe it's in my best interests to take alot of their advice? Is it? Maybe. Life is theeee most complicated 4 letter word- even more so than love because life embodies love in addition to hate and all the other things people can't seem to figure out. <--- someone disagrees with this...
You know what really sucks? Last time i blogged I basically wrote about lonliness. These people looked like the visual definition of lonely... like if loniness has a pictuire in the dictionary, this is what one would see. It suckedddddd. So now i wonder, is that how I look/am? IDK... I doubt it but hey, as Tupac said "It's hard going through life knowing no one loves you" <--- I admit that's a bit extreme lol I have fam but still =/
I've been doing some uhhh... self-'revolutionary' type thinking for the past 3 weeks lmao... I need a journal or a human suitcase... i feel like ppl won't get that... suitcase... pack stuff inside... human to 'pack stuff inside' watev- Paying the Price for being Different O_o
Okie Dokie???????
Okie Dokie.
What hit me the most was thinking about what these people may have been like at my age- they had dreams too. They had a picture in their minds, but i highly doubt that their current condition is an accurate reflection of it. This then brought me to my peers... none of the people in my school, except for maybe this one kid, even slightly resembles what I saw in these stores today. IN AMERICA!!! It is quite saddening. Anyways, when i thought of my peers and looked at these people, I wondered, "how many of my friends/associates/ acquaintances are going to look like this in 15 years?" WOW. Some of these victims of "a dream deferred" were once the future engineers, pharmacists, doctors, athletes and lawyers of the world. Enough to make me blog right?
I really don't want to be like that when I get older... I don't even have family like that so maybe it's in my best interests to take alot of their advice? Is it? Maybe. Life is theeee most complicated 4 letter word- even more so than love because life embodies love in addition to hate and all the other things people can't seem to figure out. <--- someone disagrees with this...
You know what really sucks? Last time i blogged I basically wrote about lonliness. These people looked like the visual definition of lonely... like if loniness has a pictuire in the dictionary, this is what one would see. It suckedddddd. So now i wonder, is that how I look/am? IDK... I doubt it but hey, as Tupac said "It's hard going through life knowing no one loves you" <--- I admit that's a bit extreme lol I have fam but still =/
I've been doing some uhhh... self-'revolutionary' type thinking for the past 3 weeks lmao... I need a journal or a human suitcase... i feel like ppl won't get that... suitcase... pack stuff inside... human to 'pack stuff inside' watev- Paying the Price for being Different O_o
Okie Dokie???????
Okie Dokie.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
El Oh El
Soooo once upon a time people were blogging every damn week (day) now people are like uhh... non existant. People. smh... Rudolph the Red Nosed Reandeer, Had a very shiny... anywayzzz I feel like writing but don't want people to know what I've been thinking about since my last entry- stupid huh? My life. Would it be bad to say that I don't really care about who my friends are as long as I can find someone to say stuff to? Like... I've realized I don't really have qualifications for who I tell things to <-- eosp. I think this is pretty bad but: seeing as how not many (if any) people really have an interest in what I have to say, I talk to anyone willing to listen about anything. PROLEM- not everyone who listens has good intentions do they? <---- Everything you jut read is just a random thought. Now for the reason i opened up this pointless site:
I am happier than I have been in a loooooonnnngggg time. Because I am content... at peace with me, proud of what I do, doing something meaningful, progressing as a person, and seperating myself frm things that are negative. At times when i would have been upset, i just look at the person. Actually, I can't pinpoint the last time I was upset... it's been a while. EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GREAT except one thing. What could be bothering me? I don't have anything negative going on, there's no emminent failure in sight, and I'm happy. What could be wrong???
I'm lonely!!!! <---- this took so much to type (and even more to actually realize)
So I've already established that I 'm happy but the issue is, I don't have anyone to share my happiness. =(... lol. Recently some of my uhh friends? sure. Some of those have been 'teasing' me about my uhhhh forced celebacy but no one has considered that it is not forced. My funny Edem act has alot of uhhh... racy content so everyone assumes that I'm a horn-dog <-- LOL. I don't think anyone outside my family knows Edem- maybe it's actually Edem's fault? I guess But anyways, I don't want to do the dirty again for a while bcuz I don't ever remember a healthy relationship when I was being stupid in middle school. What I do need is someone I can talk to unconditionally <--- that sounds sooooooo simple but in what...3 years? I haven't found this. I've found about 5 or 6 people that are very close but not quite =(
I've been thinking about this for a while... everybody seems to be able to find someone that they can go to and just BLAHHHHH consistantly but I don't have one and it would be great to find it.
I also noticed that because of the nature of my childhood (way too long of a story) I love very easily and uhh latch on to people? yeah that. And it's not good bcuz it's never returned equally. Now I do NOT blame people for this because I don't think it's normal to care about random people as much like I tend to do.. I will work on this. It sucks when you have ummm... lets say a list of 20 people and and you rank everyone on your list higher than they would even think of putting you. LOLLLL I don't even make some of my top 20's lists <--- now THAT is sad innit rofl.. that was my mommy when she's doing impressions... =P
I must have ADD... no ABC looooolllll anywayzzz- lonely. Every bitty that I book (lol) doesn't spark my interest because they are airheads and the one's that spark my interest are either taken, b****es or dirty... or a combination rofllll I graduate from RHS so that I can meet more people and maybe there'll be some characters who are similar to me right? mayyyyyybeeeeeeeee lol. The cats that I mess with now are very cool, I just want to meet some people that are similar to me- I think it would be cool. I got acceptance letter from HOWARD!!! (not the community college lol) Now if UMD would send their crap so that know what my future holds... YEAHHHHHHH OHLEHDUE-EHHHH lol.
I need to get my self confidence up too... people have "packed" it out of me lol.
I have more to say but what's life without a couple secrets right? lol peace.
OKIE DOKIE??? okie dokie.
I am happier than I have been in a loooooonnnngggg time. Because I am content... at peace with me, proud of what I do, doing something meaningful, progressing as a person, and seperating myself frm things that are negative. At times when i would have been upset, i just look at the person. Actually, I can't pinpoint the last time I was upset... it's been a while. EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GREAT except one thing. What could be bothering me? I don't have anything negative going on, there's no emminent failure in sight, and I'm happy. What could be wrong???
I'm lonely!!!! <---- this took so much to type (and even more to actually realize)
So I've already established that I 'm happy but the issue is, I don't have anyone to share my happiness. =(... lol. Recently some of my uhh friends? sure. Some of those have been 'teasing' me about my uhhhh forced celebacy but no one has considered that it is not forced. My funny Edem act has alot of uhhh... racy content so everyone assumes that I'm a horn-dog <-- LOL. I don't think anyone outside my family knows Edem- maybe it's actually Edem's fault? I guess But anyways, I don't want to do the dirty again for a while bcuz I don't ever remember a healthy relationship when I was being stupid in middle school. What I do need is someone I can talk to unconditionally <--- that sounds sooooooo simple but in what...3 years? I haven't found this. I've found about 5 or 6 people that are very close but not quite =(
I've been thinking about this for a while... everybody seems to be able to find someone that they can go to and just BLAHHHHH consistantly but I don't have one and it would be great to find it.
I also noticed that because of the nature of my childhood (way too long of a story) I love very easily and uhh latch on to people? yeah that. And it's not good bcuz it's never returned equally. Now I do NOT blame people for this because I don't think it's normal to care about random people as much like I tend to do.. I will work on this. It sucks when you have ummm... lets say a list of 20 people and and you rank everyone on your list higher than they would even think of putting you. LOLLLL I don't even make some of my top 20's lists <--- now THAT is sad innit rofl.. that was my mommy when she's doing impressions... =P
I must have ADD... no ABC looooolllll anywayzzz- lonely. Every bitty that I book (lol) doesn't spark my interest because they are airheads and the one's that spark my interest are either taken, b****es or dirty... or a combination rofllll I graduate from RHS so that I can meet more people and maybe there'll be some characters who are similar to me right? mayyyyyybeeeeeeeee lol. The cats that I mess with now are very cool, I just want to meet some people that are similar to me- I think it would be cool. I got acceptance letter from HOWARD!!! (not the community college lol) Now if UMD would send their crap so that know what my future holds... YEAHHHHHHH OHLEHDUE-EHHHH lol.
I need to get my self confidence up too... people have "packed" it out of me lol.
I have more to say but what's life without a couple secrets right? lol peace.
OKIE DOKIE??? okie dokie.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
...
... <--- this is where the blog was initialy supposed to stop, but I guess that would've been pointless... <--- there it goes again.
Ummmm I really don't know where to begin... <---; i guess I could start from the Spring of 10th grade but I don't feel like disclosing any of that to the www. Sooooo now I dont know why I'm blogging because I have amillion things on my mind and I don't actually want to say what they are... one bcuz ppl tend to stick their noses where they don't even abstractly belong and two, bcuz I realize there's no similar situation or person to pair myself with... excuse the end-of-sentence preposition. So supposedly this crappy no one understands feeling is part of being a teenager/adolescent/pubescent homosapien in modern civilization (then again maybe people pre-civilization had the same issue seeing as it's also caused by chemical fluctuations...) but I just don't bang with it.
why do I write this??? <--- idk actually... I don't think I actually want my personal thoughts to be visible by the common man yet here I am... typing... still typing... anywaysssss I can't do crap. Evidently, regarless of the fact that people are born pretty much involuntarily, they must exist in the conditions under which they're subjected to with minimal clout <--- Klawonn
I went to Ghana about 6 months ago. Ghana was free. Ghana was fun. Ghana made me happy. In Ghana, I was happier around random people more than I've ever been with any one individual in the "Land of the Free" I do not have "freedom" here. why? simply because my parents fear the "evils" of this "cold world". People are evidently capable of enticing me and manipulating my mindstate until I voluntarily sacrifice my well being for fun <--- NO
I can't enjoy life because freelance happiness leads to a lack of focus <--- O_o; I'm African. Understandably, African parents don't really trust "other" kids to interreact with their own when they don't know them. But when they know them, their parents and most of their backgrouds they trust them right? WRONG.
So for the rest of my hs career (basically 5 months O.O) I must follow my dad's rules to a 'T' especially if i plan on recieving a substantial amount of assistance during college. Right now... I'm probably as nervous as I've ever been in my life. My people's wont let me take a healthy loan out for college becaue tey wont sponsor it... see if you don't have a credit history, you have to get someone who can... i'm rambling.
I wonder how much support i'm going to get when i rlly need it. I'm starting to sense that i'm not going to get enough to survive so tht i can actually focus on school. I'm going to have to work alot just to get by comfortably meaning no car... idk abt a laptop... paying for my own books seeing as there's no savings to last 4 years... and yeah... life iseither going to suck dependingon what (if any) schools i get into. College Park has slowly become my ticket to a new beginning simply because it's a large, prominent institution which would be a non commuter for me (i'd live somewhere near the school), and i'd pay in state tuition. I could car less abt money if i could take a loan but that's uhhh... mmmmm... pshhh... DEAD. so i must adjust. I'vehad to d way too much adjusting in my life for a child my age.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself because I'm furious right now (like super mega take a deep breath mad) but my writings, at least to my perception, have been pretty uhhhh... lol 'chills'.
Who did I write this for? I kind of feel like i wrote this to my parents since my dad is prob going to probe my history and read it. It's fairly tasteful, pretty well written for a casual blog if i do say so myself, and an accurate (although watered down) representation of how i feel.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
Ummmm I really don't know where to begin... <---; i guess I could start from the Spring of 10th grade but I don't feel like disclosing any of that to the www. Sooooo now I dont know why I'm blogging because I have amillion things on my mind and I don't actually want to say what they are... one bcuz ppl tend to stick their noses where they don't even abstractly belong and two, bcuz I realize there's no similar situation or person to pair myself with... excuse the end-of-sentence preposition. So supposedly this crappy no one understands feeling is part of being a teenager/adolescent/pubescent homosapien in modern civilization (then again maybe people pre-civilization had the same issue seeing as it's also caused by chemical fluctuations...) but I just don't bang with it.
why do I write this??? <--- idk actually... I don't think I actually want my personal thoughts to be visible by the common man yet here I am... typing... still typing... anywaysssss I can't do crap. Evidently, regarless of the fact that people are born pretty much involuntarily, they must exist in the conditions under which they're subjected to with minimal clout <--- Klawonn
I went to Ghana about 6 months ago. Ghana was free. Ghana was fun. Ghana made me happy. In Ghana, I was happier around random people more than I've ever been with any one individual in the "Land of the Free" I do not have "freedom" here. why? simply because my parents fear the "evils" of this "cold world". People are evidently capable of enticing me and manipulating my mindstate until I voluntarily sacrifice my well being for fun <--- NO
I can't enjoy life because freelance happiness leads to a lack of focus <--- O_o; I'm African. Understandably, African parents don't really trust "other" kids to interreact with their own when they don't know them. But when they know them, their parents and most of their backgrouds they trust them right? WRONG.
So for the rest of my hs career (basically 5 months O.O) I must follow my dad's rules to a 'T' especially if i plan on recieving a substantial amount of assistance during college. Right now... I'm probably as nervous as I've ever been in my life. My people's wont let me take a healthy loan out for college becaue tey wont sponsor it... see if you don't have a credit history, you have to get someone who can... i'm rambling.
I wonder how much support i'm going to get when i rlly need it. I'm starting to sense that i'm not going to get enough to survive so tht i can actually focus on school. I'm going to have to work alot just to get by comfortably meaning no car... idk abt a laptop... paying for my own books seeing as there's no savings to last 4 years... and yeah... life iseither going to suck dependingon what (if any) schools i get into. College Park has slowly become my ticket to a new beginning simply because it's a large, prominent institution which would be a non commuter for me (i'd live somewhere near the school), and i'd pay in state tuition. I could car less abt money if i could take a loan but that's uhhh... mmmmm... pshhh... DEAD. so i must adjust. I'vehad to d way too much adjusting in my life for a child my age.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself because I'm furious right now (like super mega take a deep breath mad) but my writings, at least to my perception, have been pretty uhhhh... lol 'chills'.
Who did I write this for? I kind of feel like i wrote this to my parents since my dad is prob going to probe my history and read it. It's fairly tasteful, pretty well written for a casual blog if i do say so myself, and an accurate (although watered down) representation of how i feel.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
So.... People are definately full of "it" O_o!!!
I could have an hour long conversation about how "full of it" some of my friends are, but anyone who actually knows I have a blog probably doesn't care to read that much crap about what I think so I'll (attempt to) condense.
1. You CANNOT blog, post a blog on facebook, THEN post it on some other rendom thingy... (idk what it called tumblr or something) and then complain that ppl dont read your ****. If people do't go out of their way to see/ read, we don't care about what is going on in your head (or at least what you claim is going on in your head). Question: If you are going through an epiphanic moment, and whatever you are thinking about is sincere, why do you have to broadcast a proposal of what you will be? If You are sincere, shouldn't I see this drastic change without you throwing it in my (everyone else's) face? SIMPLY PUT: your writing has more literary value than it has ever had morally because most things that you expel are full of "it". Stop reaching; blogging about who you are going to be has to be in the Top Ten Stupidest things 've ever heard. Afterall, actions speak louder than words. O_o
2. You claim that you understand me when I tell you things but then you do/say the same things and your perception of me remains the same. You are supposed to be the one who knows me best. <--- I have given up on you knowing me well and will settle for the fact that you at listen and act like you get it. Besides idt you really like me and I know that <---- probably doesn't matter to anyone but... my blog. O_o
3. Full of "it"- People have the tendency to say/write what looks/sounds nice. When what say out of your mouth or present in text completely conflicts with what you actually do, you are full of "it" That's it. It's really that simple. <--- Tough concept to grasp isn't it? NOT AT ALL O_o
4. So I know that I've gone through this whole transparency thing before but i'm going to talk about it again. My blog right? Righhhhhhhhtttt. =p. So yeah... I am not the only one who thinks that certain people are full of "it" but I'm the only one man enough (literally) to say it. See, she, he, they, know exactly what I'm talking about, but they won't let him, her them know....so he's got this perception that I don't like him even tho ppl who are closer to him have the exact same opinion but will say it to everyone but him. O_o!!!!!!!!!! Scary huh? Because if they do this to him why should I believe that they aren't doing this to me when they like him more? Should I be left to believe that they talk worse about me? "She's phony, He's fake! That's the type of people..." O_o!!!!!!
*(this question just came to me) Did it ever occur to you that you have a phobia of backstabbing because you do it to everyone else.
^^^ All this stuff leads me to where I am right now: I don't have friends. There was a point in time (like a week ago lol) that I said I didn't want to have them but last Thursay i realized that I didn't need to make that decision. Regardless of if I want them or not, they don't "want" me. This makes my job much easier- now I feel obligated to do what they do to me; lets all smile in each others face, use people like it's Ok O_o and then backstab... I mean that's how it's supposed to be right? O_o!! Not At All. But hey... 6 more months.
For the record, I wish that my peers liked me as much as i like them but like you've probably caught on to, I'm a misfit in this setting. There's like a status quo of behavior amongst the student body regardless of race, ethnicity of sex that i will never accept because beyond the walls of my school, that is not how poeple operate (at least on the whole).
1. You CANNOT blog, post a blog on facebook, THEN post it on some other rendom thingy... (idk what it called tumblr or something) and then complain that ppl dont read your ****. If people do't go out of their way to see/ read, we don't care about what is going on in your head (or at least what you claim is going on in your head). Question: If you are going through an epiphanic moment, and whatever you are thinking about is sincere, why do you have to broadcast a proposal of what you will be? If You are sincere, shouldn't I see this drastic change without you throwing it in my (everyone else's) face? SIMPLY PUT: your writing has more literary value than it has ever had morally because most things that you expel are full of "it". Stop reaching; blogging about who you are going to be has to be in the Top Ten Stupidest things 've ever heard. Afterall, actions speak louder than words. O_o
2. You claim that you understand me when I tell you things but then you do/say the same things and your perception of me remains the same. You are supposed to be the one who knows me best. <--- I have given up on you knowing me well and will settle for the fact that you at listen and act like you get it. Besides idt you really like me and I know that <---- probably doesn't matter to anyone but... my blog. O_o
3. Full of "it"- People have the tendency to say/write what looks/sounds nice. When what say out of your mouth or present in text completely conflicts with what you actually do, you are full of "it" That's it. It's really that simple. <--- Tough concept to grasp isn't it? NOT AT ALL O_o
4. So I know that I've gone through this whole transparency thing before but i'm going to talk about it again. My blog right? Righhhhhhhhtttt. =p. So yeah... I am not the only one who thinks that certain people are full of "it" but I'm the only one man enough (literally) to say it. See, she, he, they, know exactly what I'm talking about, but they won't let him, her them know....so he's got this perception that I don't like him even tho ppl who are closer to him have the exact same opinion but will say it to everyone but him. O_o!!!!!!!!!! Scary huh? Because if they do this to him why should I believe that they aren't doing this to me when they like him more? Should I be left to believe that they talk worse about me? "She's phony, He's fake! That's the type of people..." O_o!!!!!!
*(this question just came to me) Did it ever occur to you that you have a phobia of backstabbing because you do it to everyone else.
^^^ All this stuff leads me to where I am right now: I don't have friends. There was a point in time (like a week ago lol) that I said I didn't want to have them but last Thursay i realized that I didn't need to make that decision. Regardless of if I want them or not, they don't "want" me. This makes my job much easier- now I feel obligated to do what they do to me; lets all smile in each others face, use people like it's Ok O_o and then backstab... I mean that's how it's supposed to be right? O_o!! Not At All. But hey... 6 more months.
For the record, I wish that my peers liked me as much as i like them but like you've probably caught on to, I'm a misfit in this setting. There's like a status quo of behavior amongst the student body regardless of race, ethnicity of sex that i will never accept because beyond the walls of my school, that is not how poeple operate (at least on the whole).
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
UNACCEPTABLE
Sometimes I sit and wonder -
What have I done to you?
You seem to hate me,
But I only have love for you.
There's even some of you
Who say I'm lovable;
Make you happy and comfortable-
But you are the ones who treat like I don't belong-
The temporary substitute.
I feel like I should parry, but clearly I'm stuck with you
But I can promise you this:
IF I PUT YOU BEHIND ME, YOU WON'T LIKE WHAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU.
Nobody can grasp it
Even those I talk to
You cling for a minute
Then aww... I lost you
No amount of words
Every explanation
Is mush to your minds-
Blatant oxygen depravation
Casted away like the cast in a play
I play the game brash and we clash everyday
A class that I hate is the mass of my fate
So I fade to the back Tongue sharp as a blade
Then the blade man it cuts
From the heart to the guts
You see how quickly it turns into me when it was once us?
What have I done to you?
You seem to hate me,
But I only have love for you.
There's even some of you
Who say I'm lovable;
Make you happy and comfortable-
But you are the ones who treat like I don't belong-
The temporary substitute.
I feel like I should parry, but clearly I'm stuck with you
But I can promise you this:
IF I PUT YOU BEHIND ME, YOU WON'T LIKE WHAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU.
Nobody can grasp it
Even those I talk to
You cling for a minute
Then aww... I lost you
No amount of words
Every explanation
Is mush to your minds-
Blatant oxygen depravation
Casted away like the cast in a play
I play the game brash and we clash everyday
A class that I hate is the mass of my fate
So I fade to the back Tongue sharp as a blade
Then the blade man it cuts
From the heart to the guts
You see how quickly it turns into me when it was once us?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Adjusting
Im going to attempt to condense this blog... i tend to write books on these things lol. Umm yeah... my anger at life or whatever it was has left me and i feel inclined to revive my morality once again. I said that my transition to high school would not yield any negative changes nor would i lose sight of ME. i failed. MISERABLY. I have fallen off track to the point that even my mental capabilities just... suck now. I feel like i've wasted four years on unneccesary friendships, pop culture and all the other nonesense. My speach, my mathmatical abilities, my work ethic... is just not ME. I've lost it and i feel i must regain it before it's too late. Several opportunities have already passed me by and it all boils down to ME.
Luckily, i've come to this reqalization quite early in life and i have family supporting me to straighten these things out. But four years of stupidity (its technically 6 yrs that i've just been stupid) is not going to disappear after one day. to this moment, things still pop up from the past that i must deal with. All part of the process. I can live with it.
That being said: OPERATION CLEAN IT UP (lol) is in effect.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie
Luckily, i've come to this reqalization quite early in life and i have family supporting me to straighten these things out. But four years of stupidity (its technically 6 yrs that i've just been stupid) is not going to disappear after one day. to this moment, things still pop up from the past that i must deal with. All part of the process. I can live with it.
That being said: OPERATION CLEAN IT UP (lol) is in effect.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie
Just Thoughts... Reflections
In the short period that i've been away from bloggerland, my perception of L.I.F.E. has changed soooooo much. I come to the realization that... MY PARENTS ARE RIGHT quite often. I realize that i've come down to the home stretch. Regardless of where i go to schoo,l what i do etc, i will be living in an apartment after my senior year. Very recently, i've been heavily criticized for many things i do. more so than just about any other time in my life. The difference between then and now? I UNDERSTAND. It's alllll started making sense to me now and i've dropped my resistance to their advise. Granted, i'll still have my own mind, i now take what they tell me above the notions i currently hold.
I see now that i've lived under the impression that me and "the rest of the kids" are the same. NO. i've been brought up differently and should therefore behave like it. Remember "As Told By Ginger"? There was a line in the theme song in which Macy Gray uses one of the BIGGEST cliches ever; "someone once told me the grass was much greener on the other side." This applies so heavily to my life. I have so many "maybe even most" friends/associates that give off the perception that life is good... if not good then better than bad. NO. Close examination and deep thought have helped me to see their lives are not OK. Im blessed to live in a financially stable home with mommy and daddy, every neccesity is easily acquired with room left for the frivolous things we teens thrive upon. There's no friend to assist, no governent support, family pitching in, no corruption... none of that is neccesary and i realize how much of a blessing that is.
Ummm.... i also realize my upbringing is a HUGGGEEEE part of why i am how i am. when i always thought my parents were picking on me, it has dawned on me that they have been trying to get me to mature and "skip" the stupid things in life; like most teens, i've resisted but now i think i'll take heed to more things. "It's an African thing" NO. I sat, thought, compiled and then analyzed. More than half of the African kids i know suck like shit. point blank "." Maybe it's just my fam but things seem to run much smoother than for which i give them credit. Like, love and loyalty. I hear way too often that people can't confide in their family... WHAAAAAAA??????? this BAFFLES THE F**K out of me. like seriously? IDK what i'd do if i didn't have family to talk to... i just couldn't do it. It's normal for there to be a barrier between you and "older" members of the family because of the communication barrier but like COUSINS???? I would be a depressed guy without my WHOOAAPP or my Vic, Chrizz Johnzon (lol at African Nicknames); i need my fam.
Now this just kills my spirit: "I cant talkto my fam because they talk behind my back" ???????
WHAT kind of family is that? how can people become soooo screwy they turn to breaking THEMSELVES down?
That being said, I realize there are alot of things in life that bother me and i'm done telling myself that i'm too picky or some crap like that. NO. the world is just a really nutty place. People hating other people on the basis of success that transcends their basic familiarity of happiness. That saddens me.
Followers. Like serious followers. Like SERIOUS.... iight you get the point; I can't stand it!!!! ohhhhhhh *SNARL* Ok so just about everyone who reads this is aware of the Q.U.A.D. We have a tendendancy to "share" stupid terms. "GREATNESS, DIESEL, REALNESS" and really stupid jokes. This I can't stand too. To take someone else's terms and unconsciously run with it? on multiple occations? several different instances? eww. Make your own crap people.
IDK... i think the above pet peeve plays into my "trying to fit in alil' too much" list. i'll work on it too.
Did i mention me and my sis are BFF''s? (random)
* I cant stand Mr. Me Too's. "i dont like blah blah blah" "Oh me too can't staaand it". then they turn around and do what they claim they cant stand. LOL at foolish people. Yes i can laugh at myself.
QUINTESSENTIAL UNION OF ABSOLUTE DOMINANCE. (that sounds sooooooo official lol)
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
I see now that i've lived under the impression that me and "the rest of the kids" are the same. NO. i've been brought up differently and should therefore behave like it. Remember "As Told By Ginger"? There was a line in the theme song in which Macy Gray uses one of the BIGGEST cliches ever; "someone once told me the grass was much greener on the other side." This applies so heavily to my life. I have so many "maybe even most" friends/associates that give off the perception that life is good... if not good then better than bad. NO. Close examination and deep thought have helped me to see their lives are not OK. Im blessed to live in a financially stable home with mommy and daddy, every neccesity is easily acquired with room left for the frivolous things we teens thrive upon. There's no friend to assist, no governent support, family pitching in, no corruption... none of that is neccesary and i realize how much of a blessing that is.
Ummm.... i also realize my upbringing is a HUGGGEEEE part of why i am how i am. when i always thought my parents were picking on me, it has dawned on me that they have been trying to get me to mature and "skip" the stupid things in life; like most teens, i've resisted but now i think i'll take heed to more things. "It's an African thing" NO. I sat, thought, compiled and then analyzed. More than half of the African kids i know suck like shit. point blank "." Maybe it's just my fam but things seem to run much smoother than for which i give them credit. Like, love and loyalty. I hear way too often that people can't confide in their family... WHAAAAAAA??????? this BAFFLES THE F**K out of me. like seriously? IDK what i'd do if i didn't have family to talk to... i just couldn't do it. It's normal for there to be a barrier between you and "older" members of the family because of the communication barrier but like COUSINS???? I would be a depressed guy without my WHOOAAPP or my Vic, Chrizz Johnzon (lol at African Nicknames); i need my fam.
Now this just kills my spirit: "I cant talkto my fam because they talk behind my back" ???????
WHAT kind of family is that? how can people become soooo screwy they turn to breaking THEMSELVES down?
That being said, I realize there are alot of things in life that bother me and i'm done telling myself that i'm too picky or some crap like that. NO. the world is just a really nutty place. People hating other people on the basis of success that transcends their basic familiarity of happiness. That saddens me.
Followers. Like serious followers. Like SERIOUS.... iight you get the point; I can't stand it!!!! ohhhhhhh *SNARL* Ok so just about everyone who reads this is aware of the Q.U.A.D. We have a tendendancy to "share" stupid terms. "GREATNESS, DIESEL, REALNESS" and really stupid jokes. This I can't stand too. To take someone else's terms and unconsciously run with it? on multiple occations? several different instances? eww. Make your own crap people.
IDK... i think the above pet peeve plays into my "trying to fit in alil' too much" list. i'll work on it too.
Did i mention me and my sis are BFF''s? (random)
* I cant stand Mr. Me Too's. "i dont like blah blah blah" "Oh me too can't staaand it". then they turn around and do what they claim they cant stand. LOL at foolish people. Yes i can laugh at myself.
QUINTESSENTIAL UNION OF ABSOLUTE DOMINANCE. (that sounds sooooooo official lol)
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Blizzy Blog
So I was talking to Blizzy on facebook today (yes Miles I decided you are "blizzy") and he was fuming. Part of his anger was sucky people/circumstances that made his job way too difficult today- this happens.. i didn't really feel anything from this part. What caused me to write this blog is a specific problem he had with "people"; Foolish People of course (we are all foolish but for now that statement will be reserved for a certain type of foolish trait.
This was the exact statement... pulled from facebook chat
"well, peoplearesoFAKE. like, seriously. the things they say, and express are sooo not THEM.... Read More"
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO true. About all of us. As human's we canot help but to be "fake" to some degree. The difference is HOW "fake" you are. When society says "fake" in reference to a person, they are simply stating that whatever the person says does not mesh with their actions. Or vice versa.
When I read that very sentence, immediately I thought "this is my reasoning for minimizing my social activity!" See, this is one of those 'pluses and minuses' things. One may criticize me for not being outgoing, but that same person should take the time to realize I don't have as much drama or stress as the average child my age. I can also criticize them for putting themselves in a position for things to go wrong. It's pure numbers in my mind; more often than not, people are too fake to be trusted. So the MORE people you socialize with, the HIGHER your chances of being betrayed. The reverse applies to those who socialize less. I think my dad taught me this I'm not sure. My dad hates parties, clubs etc. especially when the event is prodominantly African lol. He always raises his hand and tells me "Look at my fingers. Are they all the same length?" I reply "no." He then continues, " Such is life! We as people are not the same but we always want to have what the other person has. We CANNOT all be equal. But When people see us, they become upset and talk." In my dad's case, coming from africa with many childhood friends, everybody had to strive to build... idk... their "empire". I'd say my dad built his quite well and now the people who once were his BEEEEEST friends feel neglected and betrayed. That's enough of that story.. i could write a novel off that.
So take Blizzy for example. There are soooooo many people who despise the guy. When you ask them why, they never have a substancial reason. I'd say for every 10 people that dislike him, 7 are due to jealousy. The clothes, the attention, grades... blah blah blah. But of the 7, at least 4 will still smile in his face while they shit on him behind his back.
This is how i see it: You can't get along with everybody in this world. We're just too different. There will always be SOMETHING that someone doesn't like. BUT, if this is the case, THAT DISDAIN SHOULD BE MADE COMPLETELY CLEAR. Do not smile in the face of the man you want to hurt. You only cause more problems and partake in unneccesary evils when you hide disagreement, disdain, despise. It hurts my heart that whether or not I try to make you like me, some of you will hate me regardless. It breaks my heart to know some of you who pretend to mend my hurt heart are the same ones who help those who hurt it to begin with. Tear.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
This was the exact statement... pulled from facebook chat
"well, peoplearesoFAKE. like, seriously. the things they say, and express are sooo not THEM.... Read More"
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO true. About all of us. As human's we canot help but to be "fake" to some degree. The difference is HOW "fake" you are. When society says "fake" in reference to a person, they are simply stating that whatever the person says does not mesh with their actions. Or vice versa.
When I read that very sentence, immediately I thought "this is my reasoning for minimizing my social activity!" See, this is one of those 'pluses and minuses' things. One may criticize me for not being outgoing, but that same person should take the time to realize I don't have as much drama or stress as the average child my age. I can also criticize them for putting themselves in a position for things to go wrong. It's pure numbers in my mind; more often than not, people are too fake to be trusted. So the MORE people you socialize with, the HIGHER your chances of being betrayed. The reverse applies to those who socialize less. I think my dad taught me this I'm not sure. My dad hates parties, clubs etc. especially when the event is prodominantly African lol. He always raises his hand and tells me "Look at my fingers. Are they all the same length?" I reply "no." He then continues, " Such is life! We as people are not the same but we always want to have what the other person has. We CANNOT all be equal. But When people see us, they become upset and talk." In my dad's case, coming from africa with many childhood friends, everybody had to strive to build... idk... their "empire". I'd say my dad built his quite well and now the people who once were his BEEEEEST friends feel neglected and betrayed. That's enough of that story.. i could write a novel off that.
So take Blizzy for example. There are soooooo many people who despise the guy. When you ask them why, they never have a substancial reason. I'd say for every 10 people that dislike him, 7 are due to jealousy. The clothes, the attention, grades... blah blah blah. But of the 7, at least 4 will still smile in his face while they shit on him behind his back.
This is how i see it: You can't get along with everybody in this world. We're just too different. There will always be SOMETHING that someone doesn't like. BUT, if this is the case, THAT DISDAIN SHOULD BE MADE COMPLETELY CLEAR. Do not smile in the face of the man you want to hurt. You only cause more problems and partake in unneccesary evils when you hide disagreement, disdain, despise. It hurts my heart that whether or not I try to make you like me, some of you will hate me regardless. It breaks my heart to know some of you who pretend to mend my hurt heart are the same ones who help those who hurt it to begin with. Tear.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Shielded Against My Will
It seems everyone thinks poetry is the key
Let's Bunch words together; create a rhyming scheme
Throw in a couple adjectives
Whimsical; full of randomness
Claim that there's a goal
Yet I read it and and cannot phathom it
As it is
I've seen sheer poetic abandonment
Lines that have been beaten beyond paralysis
The perameters? No. they no longer exist
Everyone's a "writer"
Writing a page of ___
There was a once upon a time
When once upon in time
I thrust upon a line
And thought it rare; sublime
My mind? -
No longer the gem it once was
Once loved, I'm hated;
Wounded Infected and Pussed
I don''t have much to offer
other than words and favors-
If you take away the latter;
The aforementioned chitter chatter
I'm rather a useless person
Im never seen nor do I matter
Let's Bunch words together; create a rhyming scheme
Throw in a couple adjectives
Whimsical; full of randomness
Claim that there's a goal
Yet I read it and and cannot phathom it
As it is
I've seen sheer poetic abandonment
Lines that have been beaten beyond paralysis
The perameters? No. they no longer exist
Everyone's a "writer"
Writing a page of ___
There was a once upon a time
When once upon in time
I thrust upon a line
And thought it rare; sublime
My mind? -
No longer the gem it once was
Once loved, I'm hated;
Wounded Infected and Pussed
I don''t have much to offer
other than words and favors-
If you take away the latter;
The aforementioned chitter chatter
I'm rather a useless person
Im never seen nor do I matter
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OK OK OK OK.
So the one person outside of my family within my agegroup that I trust the most has written a blog about her lack of transperancy. Yvette told me this already but I did not know the lack of transperancy was mostly in reference to NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan idk what to say right now. This is my best friend (i think lol) and I've learned the one thing that brings me closest to hate is one of her qualities... Im conflicted... I need to call ppl. IDK what it is but there's something abt aperson smiling in your face when they have a non smiley face thought that IRKs me and strikes me as innately... im talking about my friend... this is not easy to write... almost evil. I cannot trust many ppl with anything I say because I don't know who's smiling at me while despising me at the same time... I'm rlly hurt.Africans always get on this bullshit. Especially girls. I should have seen this. OOOOORRRR maybe I saw this at one point and that fed in to my despise... no no no I wouldn't have ever liked her had i felt that way. I'm loosing it off one person. WTF. That being said, I'll continue to tell her stuff but i'll leave room for dissappointment... yoooooooo. I wasn't supposed to read that. Now wtf am I supposed to do? I hate that man I FUCKING hate that. yo. I'm fuming my ass off. WHO am I going to meet in this world that is like me? I possibly have twice as many faults as the people I see bad qualities in but the good qualities I possess seem so rare. YO. I thought i had one. OK OK.. calling Marcus to find out if he does this hold on.......................................................................................................................................................YES YES YES YES!!!!!! I LOVE U YO... PINK FUBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!
This is why I liked this guy from the effin second day of high school no homo. Transparency. So I think I found the quality I like most in people. Some say giving, others loving, some intellect, another may say loyalty. NO; Transparency.
OK so with all the crappiness Im feeling I learned something abt me. Yvette we shall speak more on FB. Can you be like be "taught" transparency?
This shit is not Okie Dokie. Okie Dokie?
EDIT: so like I'm talking to Fubar and I'm trying to convince myself she's not a bad person... He's not helping. We're more like confirming my fears than washing them away.... ?????????? He just told me she sometimes acts nice to people she doesn't like. Tear.
I asked him how about miles holding back? "Proooooobablllyyy worse than Yvette" yo. what is happening to my life rite now.
so I asked "why do they do it?" "They don't want to hurt people's feelings."
So I tell him how I interpret this. Because this is so long it is not verbatim. "So they're scared to hurt people's feelings. As stated in Yvette's blog there's some religious backing to hers. How can you say that you want to be nice by not hurting people's feelings but you act falsely towards them? OK Marcus has confirmed only Yvette does this not Miles. If Miles doesn't like you he wont talk to you. Mah Nigga. Ej has also been semi confirmed (oxymoron). Y my Pappi.
Ok Ephesians is a temporary excuse until she finds something better... I'm sad mad something... The world can Lick my Scrotum.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
So the one person outside of my family within my agegroup that I trust the most has written a blog about her lack of transperancy. Yvette told me this already but I did not know the lack of transperancy was mostly in reference to NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan idk what to say right now. This is my best friend (i think lol) and I've learned the one thing that brings me closest to hate is one of her qualities... Im conflicted... I need to call ppl. IDK what it is but there's something abt aperson smiling in your face when they have a non smiley face thought that IRKs me and strikes me as innately... im talking about my friend... this is not easy to write... almost evil. I cannot trust many ppl with anything I say because I don't know who's smiling at me while despising me at the same time... I'm rlly hurt.Africans always get on this bullshit. Especially girls. I should have seen this. OOOOORRRR maybe I saw this at one point and that fed in to my despise... no no no I wouldn't have ever liked her had i felt that way. I'm loosing it off one person. WTF. That being said, I'll continue to tell her stuff but i'll leave room for dissappointment... yoooooooo. I wasn't supposed to read that. Now wtf am I supposed to do? I hate that man I FUCKING hate that. yo. I'm fuming my ass off. WHO am I going to meet in this world that is like me? I possibly have twice as many faults as the people I see bad qualities in but the good qualities I possess seem so rare. YO. I thought i had one. OK OK.. calling Marcus to find out if he does this hold on.......................................................................................................................................................YES YES YES YES!!!!!! I LOVE U YO... PINK FUBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!
This is why I liked this guy from the effin second day of high school no homo. Transparency. So I think I found the quality I like most in people. Some say giving, others loving, some intellect, another may say loyalty. NO; Transparency.
OK so with all the crappiness Im feeling I learned something abt me. Yvette we shall speak more on FB. Can you be like be "taught" transparency?
This shit is not Okie Dokie. Okie Dokie?
EDIT: so like I'm talking to Fubar and I'm trying to convince myself she's not a bad person... He's not helping. We're more like confirming my fears than washing them away.... ?????????? He just told me she sometimes acts nice to people she doesn't like. Tear.
I asked him how about miles holding back? "Proooooobablllyyy worse than Yvette" yo. what is happening to my life rite now.
so I asked "why do they do it?" "They don't want to hurt people's feelings."
So I tell him how I interpret this. Because this is so long it is not verbatim. "So they're scared to hurt people's feelings. As stated in Yvette's blog there's some religious backing to hers. How can you say that you want to be nice by not hurting people's feelings but you act falsely towards them? OK Marcus has confirmed only Yvette does this not Miles. If Miles doesn't like you he wont talk to you. Mah Nigga. Ej has also been semi confirmed (oxymoron). Y my Pappi.
Ok Ephesians is a temporary excuse until she finds something better... I'm sad mad something... The world can Lick my Scrotum.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
Which One Do You See?
It seems that recently I've developed a new found interest in multiple people, things, and ideas. Some would say this is a normal part of life; everyday you discover something new, embark on another conquest, fall victim to a higher power. But I don't feel normal at all. I feel different... not different as in "dude the world wants to tarnish my mind so i'll acquiesce to an alternative lifestyle to shield myself from reality". No. I mean different in terms of perception. I percieve life in a completely different light from anyone I know. Even those who I feel are quite similar to me are indeed mere blemishes in the overall shadow reflecting in the mirror. You know... when you look at your shadow in a mirror, very rarely are you by yourself. There are different objects around whose shadows are also being reflected; these reflections often unterfere with the "virgin" appearance of your own unique highlight. So anyway, my difference from "the rest" makes it very difficult for people to understand me- the generic people of the world may long for this distortion of perception, but I who lives, breathes, and dreams differently longs to "fit in". I am beyond thankful to LIFE in itself for not making me different to the point that I cannot associate with the general public. I love people, I love new ideas, but I am on a different frequency when it comes to mental faculty and imagination. My values are also very deeply etched in me. I always see myself as an African Ashanti Warrior (lol) in the Middle Ages decked to the neck in his highest battle regalia preparing to fight off temptation. I love to see how little people know me... I like it that way; only those who i feel are worthy enough to see my introspective side will ever know it exists. This is mostly family... cousins especially. Wooaap. Sometimes I wonder if even my closest friends have a good picture of who I am. I know by all means there is a skewed picture of ME but I wonder just HOW skewed it is. It may seem wrong but i intentionally give off certain pieces in order to give you the "Edem" I think you deserve to see. Which Edem do You See?
I feel like I should be more open to the general public about myself but as I ranted about in an earlier blog, the world is full of Foolish People. I love you all but you're fools. I too am a fool, but like a flu shot, I've been given small doses of myself to eventually make me immune to my own stupidity. L.I.F.E.
*This marks the first indtrospective blog I've written without irritation. lol yayeee.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
I feel like I should be more open to the general public about myself but as I ranted about in an earlier blog, the world is full of Foolish People. I love you all but you're fools. I too am a fool, but like a flu shot, I've been given small doses of myself to eventually make me immune to my own stupidity. L.I.F.E.
*This marks the first indtrospective blog I've written without irritation. lol yayeee.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Ayo.
Kinda stuff is this man?? So I've been tryna get a job for roughly two years now. For the first year, I simply wasn't able to get one... parents; u know how that goes... so then after that, when my dad buys a new house he says it's ok for me to get a job... (SIDEBAR: i wonder what pappi and i's parents would say if they read this stuff...) So for one year, I'm applying to all types of places... daycares, fast food places, strip clubs, FBI Sanitation work (not really), and i come up with nothing. SOo finalllllllllllly, after a year of applying to places, my mom goes to buy Pappa John's and $6.25 gets into a convo with my mom about jobs... it just so happens this guy has a number of positions open and he's willing to give me one... So next day, my mom brings me, he likes me, he says that I can start as early as tomorrow (Friday) So i'm like "YO MONEY" so my yahhhzz get hard at the thought of the following day. FOLLOWING DAY COMES- we go to the Pappa Johns and $6.25, he's not in yet. Homegirl behind the counter informs us that homeboy doesn't come until 5 and therefore i cant do anything at that particular time. So my mom start droppin ovaries and shit talking about "well i don't like that, that's not good business blah blah blah." so i'm peeved. We leave and i'm assuming we'll come back at 5. NO.
THIS IS WHERE MY ERGOUFHUIE COMES IN
(lol at anybody that tried to read that)
She tells me she doesn't trust the job so she will get me a better job. Reject, you've been trying to get me a job for a year and you've failed miserably... now you're telling me you can get me a job in the JEWISH CONVELACENT KITCHEN?????????????????????????? So i'm furious because i need back to school stuff and i know this is another time period.... (don't worry there will be a blog on that in the subsequent days)... i'm VERY ANGRY... but i still have room for infuriation- this will come if there's no Jewish Convelacent position.
She also informs me that there's many positions open in her job in the kitchen area. How the fuck will i get there? HOW THE F**K WILL I GET THERE? HOW THE F**K WILL I GET THERE??????
I DON'T HAVE A CAR.... WE DISCUSSED THIS JUST YESTERDAY AND U DENIED BEING A ROADBLOCK. IF I HAD A CAR I'D BE IN GREAT BUSINESS RIGHT????
the fuck.
so i'm fuuuuuuuuuuming... livid... convulsed... splenetic... VEXED. and she's trying to get angry with me. ???????? WTF are you mad for? i should push u out the car.
then we'd see who has to drive... hehe
Yo T.I.'s wife is UGLY.... look like Raven Symone with Up Syndrome. Mofuckin Missy Elliot with Vitiligo....
So yeah i'm thinking you KNOW UR FUCKING my life up but you wont fix that stuff. Wow.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
oh- i'd better b working within a week
THIS IS WHERE MY ERGOUFHUIE COMES IN
(lol at anybody that tried to read that)
She tells me she doesn't trust the job so she will get me a better job. Reject, you've been trying to get me a job for a year and you've failed miserably... now you're telling me you can get me a job in the JEWISH CONVELACENT KITCHEN?????????????????????????? So i'm furious because i need back to school stuff and i know this is another time period.... (don't worry there will be a blog on that in the subsequent days)... i'm VERY ANGRY... but i still have room for infuriation- this will come if there's no Jewish Convelacent position.
She also informs me that there's many positions open in her job in the kitchen area. How the fuck will i get there? HOW THE F**K WILL I GET THERE? HOW THE F**K WILL I GET THERE??????
I DON'T HAVE A CAR.... WE DISCUSSED THIS JUST YESTERDAY AND U DENIED BEING A ROADBLOCK. IF I HAD A CAR I'D BE IN GREAT BUSINESS RIGHT????
the fuck.
so i'm fuuuuuuuuuuming... livid... convulsed... splenetic... VEXED. and she's trying to get angry with me. ???????? WTF are you mad for? i should push u out the car.
then we'd see who has to drive... hehe
Yo T.I.'s wife is UGLY.... look like Raven Symone with Up Syndrome. Mofuckin Missy Elliot with Vitiligo....
So yeah i'm thinking you KNOW UR FUCKING my life up but you wont fix that stuff. Wow.
Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
oh- i'd better b working within a week
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Driverssssss Start Your Eng... NO
So today I went out with my mommy and she took me to Papa Johns and I got a job. I should be happy right? Wrong. Everything that followed that happy moment led to me sleeping from roughly 3 o'clock until now. So at the place this guy tries to tell I can start tomorrow and and i'll be making $6.25. What????? No No No hold up, before my mom can accept I interject- "I thought minimum wage was $7.25?" As soon as the words leave my mouth, my mom panics and says "yes well Edem, it's different everywhere." What????? This crap is not Okie Dokie At all. Of coure the man knows what minimum wage is- he's tryna hehe "pull the wool over my eyes". I;m not having it so the man pretends as if this is a shock to him... "Oh it's $7.25? Well then that's what you'll get". Like WTF... i know no negotiation goes THAT smooth... Obviously the guy thought i was stupid. Had it just been my mother, there would have been some seriously shiesty (i think that's how it's spelled) stuff going on. So at this point I'm already irritated because my mom expected me to take $6.25..... Nah b.
So we get into the car and all the things tat have been annoying me for like the last 6 months start coming back to me. Why? IDK.... so she says "why dont we go to school and see if we can get Mr. Dyson?" No prob... I need my internship. So we go and as soon as I walk in the school I see Prince and Bernard. Kool. I dap my manzezez up lol and as I'm walking past i hear Prince ecstatic because he's got his permit. ...........WHERE THE F*CK IS IS MINE?????????? This smacked the HELL outta me like from nowhere. So yeah... I continue on anger building... no Dyson kool kool this doesn't add to my anger. I get back in the car and I know I'm RIGHT there... like the next thing to piss me off is gonna be an external reaction... so sure enough, on the way home I see this smut looking trife human in her car... u know DRIVING and stuff so i'm done. I think about the initial internship my mom blew for me because Mr. Todd (the BCPS T.V. guy asked her "who will be your son's wheels?" This man and the entire T.V. crew where on my jock telling me they'd never seen someone come in so smooth without a run through. Leave it to my mom to struggle with a basic question.. "well... i.. i... i can...". NO confidence in the statement when she said it and Mr. Todd's demeaner immediately changed. After that, maybe a week later, i get an email saying that i didn't get the internship. I NEEDED THAT BADLY.
So now I'm thinking why in hell have they been giving me grief about driving for more than a year. My dad. Once mom hears my dad say something she blindly follows... she has NO clue whats going on 60% of the time... just your dad said. this woman was so adamant about me driving when i turned 16. My dad said no because of insurance and "he's not responsible"... at first she was resistant but with some propaganda and using some statistics (fake as hell), mom was onboard. IDK man. So it builds up and i say it. "You have held me back in not letting me drive. And it's POINTLESS. Many of the things you stop me from doing have hurt me and you've seen that but you continue to be brainwashed." This is almost verbatim. So she knows it's true... doesn't get mad at first... but she says something... can't remember.. that i knew was bullshit so i went OFF. So she goes OFF with the yelling, criticizms etc.
So we get in the house and she's def getting handled so she used her favorite tactic; yelling as hard as she can to get my dad's attention so that he'll intervene. So I go upstairs to change (and if anybody reading this is African, u know their ability to exaggerate, fabricate, and lie) and i'm hearing her complaints and frankly I'm laughing because i know exactly what will happen. He'll be ofeended or some male African crap like that, adress me with some more propaganda bs and then my mom's confidence in him will grow...lol. So I go downstairs (big balls lol) and I am going about my business... sure enough he calls my name.. more like barks it... I hit the non chalant turn (big balls) and this upsets him even more. He tells me "if you're itching to drive because of that blue car" FUCK THE BLUE CAR. What makes him think i want that pice of shit? A '91 camry that's been sitting there for 3 years, 197,000 miles, no paint on it, bad breaks, leaking engine fluid, faulty transmission, busted exhaust pipe, old battery, and tires worn down to the point they look like Racing Slicks. NO.
So he tells me "I thought when you came back from Ghana you'd be a new person but it's obvious you're still the same." Still the same what? Kid that has shit to do and knows his parents are too busy to do anything for him and therefore are unreliable so he wants to drive himself? Yeah dad: SAME GUY. So he asks me "You think you can talk to everyone anyway you like?
" At this point I'm angry bordering insanity I guess so i reply "I got mad because I cant drive." SO he retorts, "so what do you think is the big deal that you're not driving? Who are you to get mad?" At this point I tell him how I really feal. "You guys have set a roadblock for me and you're preventing me from doing many things." So now he's FURIOUS... "IF WE'RE SUCH A ROADBLOCK GO UPSTAIRS AND PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT SINCE YOU'RE A MAN. IF YOU'RE A MAN GET OUT THEN" quick q: WHo said anything about man? ahhh that's the African kicking in... "YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN PACK YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT. IT'S THAT SIMPLE BLAH BLAH BLAH" so u know... big balls... I'm grinning and his head (if u saw it before you'd start laughing now) this massive cranium is about to POP. I'm nodding my head... i know according to the values with which i raised my actions are abominable.. but this is the collective hysteria developed after all these yrs of being manipulated and held back.
So he tells me the blue car is being towed in a couple days... Take that shit.
I go upstairs to my room, I try to blog (trust if i had blogged earlier this would be twice as long) but the computer isn't working so I go to sleep. I wake up roughly 6 hours later and this guy is still talking about me. LMFAO!!!! I must have really stuck a chord huh? So yeah...big balls... i go down stairs and get a drink.. eat etc. And he's talking to Auntie Elizabeth but he's obviously directing the conversation to me "If you want to leave then leave" blah blah blah. So I'm laughing pretty hard in my head because the main thing he brings up when he's complaining about my "responsibility" is the fact that I never watch my sister and "cater to her needs" I'M NEVER ALONE WITH HER. my aunt lives with us as the designated babysitter. How am I going to babysit when one is always there? Foolish People (refer to my first blog for more info). The few times I've had to take care of her, I've done it better than them. but that's a story for another blog... anyways following all that i come here to blog. Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
So we get into the car and all the things tat have been annoying me for like the last 6 months start coming back to me. Why? IDK.... so she says "why dont we go to school and see if we can get Mr. Dyson?" No prob... I need my internship. So we go and as soon as I walk in the school I see Prince and Bernard. Kool. I dap my manzezez up lol and as I'm walking past i hear Prince ecstatic because he's got his permit. ...........WHERE THE F*CK IS IS MINE?????????? This smacked the HELL outta me like from nowhere. So yeah... I continue on anger building... no Dyson kool kool this doesn't add to my anger. I get back in the car and I know I'm RIGHT there... like the next thing to piss me off is gonna be an external reaction... so sure enough, on the way home I see this smut looking trife human in her car... u know DRIVING and stuff so i'm done. I think about the initial internship my mom blew for me because Mr. Todd (the BCPS T.V. guy asked her "who will be your son's wheels?" This man and the entire T.V. crew where on my jock telling me they'd never seen someone come in so smooth without a run through. Leave it to my mom to struggle with a basic question.. "well... i.. i... i can...". NO confidence in the statement when she said it and Mr. Todd's demeaner immediately changed. After that, maybe a week later, i get an email saying that i didn't get the internship. I NEEDED THAT BADLY.
So now I'm thinking why in hell have they been giving me grief about driving for more than a year. My dad. Once mom hears my dad say something she blindly follows... she has NO clue whats going on 60% of the time... just your dad said. this woman was so adamant about me driving when i turned 16. My dad said no because of insurance and "he's not responsible"... at first she was resistant but with some propaganda and using some statistics (fake as hell), mom was onboard. IDK man. So it builds up and i say it. "You have held me back in not letting me drive. And it's POINTLESS. Many of the things you stop me from doing have hurt me and you've seen that but you continue to be brainwashed." This is almost verbatim. So she knows it's true... doesn't get mad at first... but she says something... can't remember.. that i knew was bullshit so i went OFF. So she goes OFF with the yelling, criticizms etc.
So we get in the house and she's def getting handled so she used her favorite tactic; yelling as hard as she can to get my dad's attention so that he'll intervene. So I go upstairs to change (and if anybody reading this is African, u know their ability to exaggerate, fabricate, and lie) and i'm hearing her complaints and frankly I'm laughing because i know exactly what will happen. He'll be ofeended or some male African crap like that, adress me with some more propaganda bs and then my mom's confidence in him will grow...lol. So I go downstairs (big balls lol) and I am going about my business... sure enough he calls my name.. more like barks it... I hit the non chalant turn (big balls) and this upsets him even more. He tells me "if you're itching to drive because of that blue car" FUCK THE BLUE CAR. What makes him think i want that pice of shit? A '91 camry that's been sitting there for 3 years, 197,000 miles, no paint on it, bad breaks, leaking engine fluid, faulty transmission, busted exhaust pipe, old battery, and tires worn down to the point they look like Racing Slicks. NO.
So he tells me "I thought when you came back from Ghana you'd be a new person but it's obvious you're still the same." Still the same what? Kid that has shit to do and knows his parents are too busy to do anything for him and therefore are unreliable so he wants to drive himself? Yeah dad: SAME GUY. So he asks me "You think you can talk to everyone anyway you like?
" At this point I'm angry bordering insanity I guess so i reply "I got mad because I cant drive." SO he retorts, "so what do you think is the big deal that you're not driving? Who are you to get mad?" At this point I tell him how I really feal. "You guys have set a roadblock for me and you're preventing me from doing many things." So now he's FURIOUS... "IF WE'RE SUCH A ROADBLOCK GO UPSTAIRS AND PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT SINCE YOU'RE A MAN. IF YOU'RE A MAN GET OUT THEN" quick q: WHo said anything about man? ahhh that's the African kicking in... "YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN PACK YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT. IT'S THAT SIMPLE BLAH BLAH BLAH" so u know... big balls... I'm grinning and his head (if u saw it before you'd start laughing now) this massive cranium is about to POP. I'm nodding my head... i know according to the values with which i raised my actions are abominable.. but this is the collective hysteria developed after all these yrs of being manipulated and held back.
So he tells me the blue car is being towed in a couple days... Take that shit.
I go upstairs to my room, I try to blog (trust if i had blogged earlier this would be twice as long) but the computer isn't working so I go to sleep. I wake up roughly 6 hours later and this guy is still talking about me. LMFAO!!!! I must have really stuck a chord huh? So yeah...big balls... i go down stairs and get a drink.. eat etc. And he's talking to Auntie Elizabeth but he's obviously directing the conversation to me "If you want to leave then leave" blah blah blah. So I'm laughing pretty hard in my head because the main thing he brings up when he's complaining about my "responsibility" is the fact that I never watch my sister and "cater to her needs" I'M NEVER ALONE WITH HER. my aunt lives with us as the designated babysitter. How am I going to babysit when one is always there? Foolish People (refer to my first blog for more info). The few times I've had to take care of her, I've done it better than them. but that's a story for another blog... anyways following all that i come here to blog. Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Have You Ever:
Hehe... random questions
Have you ever noticed how people add "lol" to their texts/posts after they've said something offensive? (In order to add a "happy" connotation? smh)
Have you ever been hit in your face so hard you look at the people around you for confirmation? loooooool
Have you ever been at a critical part of a video game and it cuts off???? "aaaahhhh!!!!"- this sucks more than Kirby's.
Have you ever conceded defeat before you began a task?
Have you ever Sneezed and Farted at the same time? LMFAO
Have you ever had a mean itch in public so you squirm hoping it'll "disappear" Hehe.. or seen someone with a itch... good stuffseses
Have you ever cried in public?
Have you ever had a bug fly by your head and you flipped out afterwards? (Pappi inspired)
Have you ever looked at me and seen something you liked whether it be physical or mental?
Idk... just stuffseses. Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
Have you ever noticed how people add "lol" to their texts/posts after they've said something offensive? (In order to add a "happy" connotation? smh)
Have you ever been hit in your face so hard you look at the people around you for confirmation? loooooool
Have you ever been at a critical part of a video game and it cuts off???? "aaaahhhh!!!!"- this sucks more than Kirby's.
Have you ever conceded defeat before you began a task?
Have you ever Sneezed and Farted at the same time? LMFAO
Have you ever had a mean itch in public so you squirm hoping it'll "disappear" Hehe.. or seen someone with a itch... good stuffseses
Have you ever cried in public?
Have you ever had a bug fly by your head and you flipped out afterwards? (Pappi inspired)
Have you ever looked at me and seen something you liked whether it be physical or mental?
Idk... just stuffseses. Okie Dokie? Okie Dokie.
Conflicted
So sometimes i sit and i wonder why i am the way i am.. as far as emotions, thought process, vocal intonations... all the things that make Edem "Edem". And often times i despise these things... but then sometimes I LOVE ME.`Like right now... right now i LOVE ME. I am satisfied with ME. I know that im in a good state of mind and i am at peace with ME.
You know, as confident and arrogant as I seem to some, my confidence in my abilities is often very low. Idk; I dread doing things in front of others but when i suck it up and execute, i usually do very well. Awards accolades etc, i've gotten them all but regardless, i still dread public exhibitions of ability.
But then sometimes my confidence level is sky high. Why? Idk.
Then another thing... my aggression and "meanness" to others. Sometimes i have absdolutely no affection or regard for others' feelings but then sometimes i'm the most considerate indidvidual. It's not something that i plan or put forth as a goal... this makes me wonder which one I am at heart: Nice or Mean. I can be so cold hearted at one moment and give the clothes off my back to the first person that asks... what am I? Conflicted
This also makes me wonder what the general perception is of me.. in the real world... I've been informed that I'm too aloof in school for people to rlly know me... Idk
You know, as confident and arrogant as I seem to some, my confidence in my abilities is often very low. Idk; I dread doing things in front of others but when i suck it up and execute, i usually do very well. Awards accolades etc, i've gotten them all but regardless, i still dread public exhibitions of ability.
But then sometimes my confidence level is sky high. Why? Idk.
Then another thing... my aggression and "meanness" to others. Sometimes i have absdolutely no affection or regard for others' feelings but then sometimes i'm the most considerate indidvidual. It's not something that i plan or put forth as a goal... this makes me wonder which one I am at heart: Nice or Mean. I can be so cold hearted at one moment and give the clothes off my back to the first person that asks... what am I? Conflicted
This also makes me wonder what the general perception is of me.. in the real world... I've been informed that I'm too aloof in school for people to rlly know me... Idk
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