Basically, I'm coming to the realization that I'm (especially being the first male of about 25 grandchildren to attend college in America) expected to surpass the bar... but the bar is raised high. African dude with middle school education comes to America with no family, works at Dominoes to pay his way through Nursing school, graduates Suma Cum-Laude and goes on to be nicee- If that's not a movie i'll be damned. How do you top that??? Can you say pressure?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
How am I supposed to do this.
Soooo... I couldn't get my thoughts out the last time I blogged for reasons unbeknownst to me... but here I am... this is what I've realized... my emotions are very uhhhh... roller coastery. At one point, i can't think of anything that's going wrong and within 24 hours... or even just a couple hours, life seems to be so... idk- Useless maybe. It's the weirdest thing.. sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking about... what I've come up with, along with the assistance of special Lady #3 (#1 is mommy, #2 is Stronggg) is that I've not reached a level of achievement that satisfies me as a person. ANNNNDDD until I reach that point, I will have that emptiness feeling.. Problem is, I expect so much from myself that anything less than stellar will leave me unsatisfied. Dilemma huh? I think recently, my biggest worry has been my family in Ghana. Some of them are broke beyond comfort... not cool. I'd love to help but don't quite have the means... now how much would it suck if the first generation managed to contribute but the second generation in America failed. I' m dealing with pressures of my own will as well as the expectation that i'll do better than my parents by ALOT. This is not an easy feat... they are doing quite well indeed. How the hell do I do that???
Friday, July 16, 2010
ok... ok... OK!!!!
So even tho I'm slightly pissed because i missed out on a trip to King's Dominion (longgg story) i am relatively happy right now. Soo i just landed two mega awesome Internships with the University of Maryland and school hasn't even started yet. You know what that does to a young man's confidence??? Let's be real- seeing as my goals are so off the wall from most people's (I want in on the entertainment world) my biggest fear in life is failing. At life. Like... I've been told so much that i have to do something that if I did nothing, or was even close to average, I'd fail. That's another thing: If i'm simply above average, I'll feel like a failure. I need to be the best at what I do... whatever it may be.
My biggest obstacle to success: ME
I need to stay focused and make sure I target the success- not the money.
High School: I realized something that made me so friggin happy: When I look at media, I realize that they rely heavily on Urban Influences. Going through the public school system and attending a school like Randallstown, I understand the urban environment very well. This means that in addition to communicating with the "upper end" players in the system, I can also communicate with the people with whom others are afraid to speak. I'm trying to say a lot without saying it... i guess going to a "black" school will be a surprising advantage.
I am planning my life so that I have a Plan B, Plan C, Plan D etc. This is a must... if I catch tunnel vision and throw all my energy into one goal, assuming that goal is unmet, I'll just be another dreamer that never made it.
But with my Senior year internship, I befriended the Public Relations Manager for the Washington Wizards which is a great little su' sum' =). Now, I got one with UMD's flagship sports media outlet and an writing gig with a music website. LET'S GO CAL!!! rrrrraaaahhh
lol... I got crap on my mind- I'll be back
Already? Already.
Steeerrrroooookkkkeeee
Thursday, February 11, 2010
This Blog would've died if not for Miles.
"I've sat here and thought for a hot minute and there's no word or set of words that describes ... Once again everything fine internally, comfy with Edem blah blah that shit is not the point. Why is... what the fuck I can't even explain.
June watev the bloody date is, We're gone and never looking back. Like seriously?? I can't take this crap with me. The reservations and everything surrounding them is not condusive to success. I'm damn near convinced these four years have been the worst years in terms of social development. It's almost impossible to make decent friends RHS. 10% of the school suffers from lead poisoning and another 30% is on meds for this that or the other. So I've been in a school with paint chip kids and the future "I had a dream and failed"s of the world. <--- that was a terrible thing to say but yeah.
Randallstown has been just about everything people said it would be. Even the 'smart' ones tend to b brick stupid. I'll make one final attempt to set things right with a ton of people.. y am I constantly reaching?? and if that doesn't work have a nice life mother_ *except for a few individuals. u kno who u r.
This is stupid. Why do I blog. Why am I even typing my thoughts. THEY'RE MY THOUGHTS. I should delete this crap. With time. It's not time yet. This crap will be gone soon. I don't like it. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. fuck it. Things that should stay will stay and everything else will be forgotten within 2 weeks of graduation. Tired of it.
I came from a predominantly white school so i acted diff than the average student- for this i was alienated from the rest... except for Kevin and eventually Wilson. I've never been one to sit there and feel sorry for myself so when people attempted to hurt me, I returned the favor thrice fold. Now that we're all older and people think it's cool to be different, all these random people *even some who didn't like or understand me, want to be cool. Some are pretty cool but I see thru alot of crap. there's too much crap. *FLUSH
I think of all things I want in life, I want someone to UNDERSTAND. not even agree... i could care less... just UNDERSTAND. I'm at the point that I get scared to speak on things because even those who are close have the same misinterpretation and I feel crappy. i reallllllly don't understand why I'm writing this... nothing changes. The good part of the whole situation (something happy lol) is that it's not always like this- mostly RHS... it's like i started to tink this is how my life would be, forgettingtat RHS is not representative of the world... if anything, I'd say Terpnet (thnx Nicole and Yvette) gave me that otherside i've been missing. Within a week, I've already met a couple people who shareinterests that no one in school does... i'm rambling.
FOR THE RECORD- Marcus, Miles, Yvette (the people that I think will read this today... maybe not u Fubar lol) this is not an attack on any of you so no taking offense or bitching. this is the stupidity that is Edem ."
^^ So I typed this about an hour ago and read it like 6 times. It sounds hella grr but that was exactly how I felt. I say felt bcuz I'm not irritated anymore but people tend to be more honest when they're upset. I could never say that stuff right now- the wonders of frustration. LOL come to think of it, this is like a light version of how my convo's used to go with Fubar when I vented on the world. Why didn't I call? good question Edem.
* it's prob necessary that I establish I don't feel like i'm bttr thn anyone b4 tht turns into another misconception. i'm sure someone will draw something false out of this but i've covered most of my bases so i won't care too much. bye
June watev the bloody date is, We're gone and never looking back. Like seriously?? I can't take this crap with me. The reservations and everything surrounding them is not condusive to success. I'm damn near convinced these four years have been the worst years in terms of social development. It's almost impossible to make decent friends RHS. 10% of the school suffers from lead poisoning and another 30% is on meds for this that or the other. So I've been in a school with paint chip kids and the future "I had a dream and failed"s of the world. <--- that was a terrible thing to say but yeah.
Randallstown has been just about everything people said it would be. Even the 'smart' ones tend to b brick stupid. I'll make one final attempt to set things right with a ton of people.. y am I constantly reaching?? and if that doesn't work have a nice life mother_ *except for a few individuals. u kno who u r.
This is stupid. Why do I blog. Why am I even typing my thoughts. THEY'RE MY THOUGHTS. I should delete this crap. With time. It's not time yet. This crap will be gone soon. I don't like it. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. fuck it. Things that should stay will stay and everything else will be forgotten within 2 weeks of graduation. Tired of it.
I came from a predominantly white school so i acted diff than the average student- for this i was alienated from the rest... except for Kevin and eventually Wilson. I've never been one to sit there and feel sorry for myself so when people attempted to hurt me, I returned the favor thrice fold. Now that we're all older and people think it's cool to be different, all these random people *even some who didn't like or understand me, want to be cool. Some are pretty cool but I see thru alot of crap. there's too much crap. *FLUSH
I think of all things I want in life, I want someone to UNDERSTAND. not even agree... i could care less... just UNDERSTAND. I'm at the point that I get scared to speak on things because even those who are close have the same misinterpretation and I feel crappy. i reallllllly don't understand why I'm writing this... nothing changes. The good part of the whole situation (something happy lol) is that it's not always like this- mostly RHS... it's like i started to tink this is how my life would be, forgettingtat RHS is not representative of the world... if anything, I'd say Terpnet (thnx Nicole and Yvette) gave me that otherside i've been missing. Within a week, I've already met a couple people who shareinterests that no one in school does... i'm rambling.
FOR THE RECORD- Marcus, Miles, Yvette (the people that I think will read this today... maybe not u Fubar lol) this is not an attack on any of you so no taking offense or bitching. this is the stupidity that is Edem ."
^^ So I typed this about an hour ago and read it like 6 times. It sounds hella grr but that was exactly how I felt. I say felt bcuz I'm not irritated anymore but people tend to be more honest when they're upset. I could never say that stuff right now- the wonders of frustration. LOL come to think of it, this is like a light version of how my convo's used to go with Fubar when I vented on the world. Why didn't I call? good question Edem.
* it's prob necessary that I establish I don't feel like i'm bttr thn anyone b4 tht turns into another misconception. i'm sure someone will draw something false out of this but i've covered most of my bases so i won't care too much. bye
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
So I was Google-ing...
and I came across this comment by some random dude in Seattle Washington. BEAST!!!!!!! I hope this is legal... I'm not claiming his writing.. it's just freggin awesome.
It's from www.stevepavlina.com (I was researching drifting friendships) and this guy wants a dollar lol:
"The idea of staying together forever is a bit outdated. Times change, people change, etc. and life goes on, with or without your old friends. This is a result, primarily, of the fact that it's easier and easier to find new friends with interests similar to your new interests. Sure, you don't share that same history, but that just means there's more to talk about, if you ever run out. "
If this doesn't make ur eyes go O.O!!!!... dude.
It's from www.stevepavlina.com (I was researching drifting friendships) and this guy wants a dollar lol:
"The idea of staying together forever is a bit outdated. Times change, people change, etc. and life goes on, with or without your old friends. This is a result, primarily, of the fact that it's easier and easier to find new friends with interests similar to your new interests. Sure, you don't share that same history, but that just means there's more to talk about, if you ever run out. "
If this doesn't make ur eyes go O.O!!!!... dude.
Huggghhhhhh!!!
So I came to a realization today after looking at people in grocery stores (lol yes very random) Specifically Mars and Wal Mart- By my standards, alot of people's living conditions suck. I mean like, I saw all these people with missing teeth and holes in their jeans (not homeless) extra obese, really sad looking in the face, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. Now with this "realization", I felt even better about the little things in life that people take for granted. Health insurance- hella sick people in this world with no funds to pay for it. A washing machine- YES A WASHING MACHINE. People, especially those who live in apt complexes that don't have machines have to go the laundry mat- that's money, time and energy wasted on something I can just go down stairs, push a button and forget about.
What hit me the most was thinking about what these people may have been like at my age- they had dreams too. They had a picture in their minds, but i highly doubt that their current condition is an accurate reflection of it. This then brought me to my peers... none of the people in my school, except for maybe this one kid, even slightly resembles what I saw in these stores today. IN AMERICA!!! It is quite saddening. Anyways, when i thought of my peers and looked at these people, I wondered, "how many of my friends/associates/ acquaintances are going to look like this in 15 years?" WOW. Some of these victims of "a dream deferred" were once the future engineers, pharmacists, doctors, athletes and lawyers of the world. Enough to make me blog right?
I really don't want to be like that when I get older... I don't even have family like that so maybe it's in my best interests to take alot of their advice? Is it? Maybe. Life is theeee most complicated 4 letter word- even more so than love because life embodies love in addition to hate and all the other things people can't seem to figure out. <--- someone disagrees with this...
You know what really sucks? Last time i blogged I basically wrote about lonliness. These people looked like the visual definition of lonely... like if loniness has a pictuire in the dictionary, this is what one would see. It suckedddddd. So now i wonder, is that how I look/am? IDK... I doubt it but hey, as Tupac said "It's hard going through life knowing no one loves you" <--- I admit that's a bit extreme lol I have fam but still =/
I've been doing some uhhh... self-'revolutionary' type thinking for the past 3 weeks lmao... I need a journal or a human suitcase... i feel like ppl won't get that... suitcase... pack stuff inside... human to 'pack stuff inside' watev- Paying the Price for being Different O_o
Okie Dokie???????
Okie Dokie.
What hit me the most was thinking about what these people may have been like at my age- they had dreams too. They had a picture in their minds, but i highly doubt that their current condition is an accurate reflection of it. This then brought me to my peers... none of the people in my school, except for maybe this one kid, even slightly resembles what I saw in these stores today. IN AMERICA!!! It is quite saddening. Anyways, when i thought of my peers and looked at these people, I wondered, "how many of my friends/associates/ acquaintances are going to look like this in 15 years?" WOW. Some of these victims of "a dream deferred" were once the future engineers, pharmacists, doctors, athletes and lawyers of the world. Enough to make me blog right?
I really don't want to be like that when I get older... I don't even have family like that so maybe it's in my best interests to take alot of their advice? Is it? Maybe. Life is theeee most complicated 4 letter word- even more so than love because life embodies love in addition to hate and all the other things people can't seem to figure out. <--- someone disagrees with this...
You know what really sucks? Last time i blogged I basically wrote about lonliness. These people looked like the visual definition of lonely... like if loniness has a pictuire in the dictionary, this is what one would see. It suckedddddd. So now i wonder, is that how I look/am? IDK... I doubt it but hey, as Tupac said "It's hard going through life knowing no one loves you" <--- I admit that's a bit extreme lol I have fam but still =/
I've been doing some uhhh... self-'revolutionary' type thinking for the past 3 weeks lmao... I need a journal or a human suitcase... i feel like ppl won't get that... suitcase... pack stuff inside... human to 'pack stuff inside' watev- Paying the Price for being Different O_o
Okie Dokie???????
Okie Dokie.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
El Oh El
Soooo once upon a time people were blogging every damn week (day) now people are like uhh... non existant. People. smh... Rudolph the Red Nosed Reandeer, Had a very shiny... anywayzzz I feel like writing but don't want people to know what I've been thinking about since my last entry- stupid huh? My life. Would it be bad to say that I don't really care about who my friends are as long as I can find someone to say stuff to? Like... I've realized I don't really have qualifications for who I tell things to <-- eosp. I think this is pretty bad but: seeing as how not many (if any) people really have an interest in what I have to say, I talk to anyone willing to listen about anything. PROLEM- not everyone who listens has good intentions do they? <---- Everything you jut read is just a random thought. Now for the reason i opened up this pointless site:
I am happier than I have been in a loooooonnnngggg time. Because I am content... at peace with me, proud of what I do, doing something meaningful, progressing as a person, and seperating myself frm things that are negative. At times when i would have been upset, i just look at the person. Actually, I can't pinpoint the last time I was upset... it's been a while. EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GREAT except one thing. What could be bothering me? I don't have anything negative going on, there's no emminent failure in sight, and I'm happy. What could be wrong???
I'm lonely!!!! <---- this took so much to type (and even more to actually realize)
So I've already established that I 'm happy but the issue is, I don't have anyone to share my happiness. =(... lol. Recently some of my uhh friends? sure. Some of those have been 'teasing' me about my uhhhh forced celebacy but no one has considered that it is not forced. My funny Edem act has alot of uhhh... racy content so everyone assumes that I'm a horn-dog <-- LOL. I don't think anyone outside my family knows Edem- maybe it's actually Edem's fault? I guess But anyways, I don't want to do the dirty again for a while bcuz I don't ever remember a healthy relationship when I was being stupid in middle school. What I do need is someone I can talk to unconditionally <--- that sounds sooooooo simple but in what...3 years? I haven't found this. I've found about 5 or 6 people that are very close but not quite =(
I've been thinking about this for a while... everybody seems to be able to find someone that they can go to and just BLAHHHHH consistantly but I don't have one and it would be great to find it.
I also noticed that because of the nature of my childhood (way too long of a story) I love very easily and uhh latch on to people? yeah that. And it's not good bcuz it's never returned equally. Now I do NOT blame people for this because I don't think it's normal to care about random people as much like I tend to do.. I will work on this. It sucks when you have ummm... lets say a list of 20 people and and you rank everyone on your list higher than they would even think of putting you. LOLLLL I don't even make some of my top 20's lists <--- now THAT is sad innit rofl.. that was my mommy when she's doing impressions... =P
I must have ADD... no ABC looooolllll anywayzzz- lonely. Every bitty that I book (lol) doesn't spark my interest because they are airheads and the one's that spark my interest are either taken, b****es or dirty... or a combination rofllll I graduate from RHS so that I can meet more people and maybe there'll be some characters who are similar to me right? mayyyyyybeeeeeeeee lol. The cats that I mess with now are very cool, I just want to meet some people that are similar to me- I think it would be cool. I got acceptance letter from HOWARD!!! (not the community college lol) Now if UMD would send their crap so that know what my future holds... YEAHHHHHHH OHLEHDUE-EHHHH lol.
I need to get my self confidence up too... people have "packed" it out of me lol.
I have more to say but what's life without a couple secrets right? lol peace.
OKIE DOKIE??? okie dokie.
I am happier than I have been in a loooooonnnngggg time. Because I am content... at peace with me, proud of what I do, doing something meaningful, progressing as a person, and seperating myself frm things that are negative. At times when i would have been upset, i just look at the person. Actually, I can't pinpoint the last time I was upset... it's been a while. EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GREAT except one thing. What could be bothering me? I don't have anything negative going on, there's no emminent failure in sight, and I'm happy. What could be wrong???
I'm lonely!!!! <---- this took so much to type (and even more to actually realize)
So I've already established that I 'm happy but the issue is, I don't have anyone to share my happiness. =(... lol. Recently some of my uhh friends? sure. Some of those have been 'teasing' me about my uhhhh forced celebacy but no one has considered that it is not forced. My funny Edem act has alot of uhhh... racy content so everyone assumes that I'm a horn-dog <-- LOL. I don't think anyone outside my family knows Edem- maybe it's actually Edem's fault? I guess But anyways, I don't want to do the dirty again for a while bcuz I don't ever remember a healthy relationship when I was being stupid in middle school. What I do need is someone I can talk to unconditionally <--- that sounds sooooooo simple but in what...3 years? I haven't found this. I've found about 5 or 6 people that are very close but not quite =(
I've been thinking about this for a while... everybody seems to be able to find someone that they can go to and just BLAHHHHH consistantly but I don't have one and it would be great to find it.
I also noticed that because of the nature of my childhood (way too long of a story) I love very easily and uhh latch on to people? yeah that. And it's not good bcuz it's never returned equally. Now I do NOT blame people for this because I don't think it's normal to care about random people as much like I tend to do.. I will work on this. It sucks when you have ummm... lets say a list of 20 people and and you rank everyone on your list higher than they would even think of putting you. LOLLLL I don't even make some of my top 20's lists <--- now THAT is sad innit rofl.. that was my mommy when she's doing impressions... =P
I must have ADD... no ABC looooolllll anywayzzz- lonely. Every bitty that I book (lol) doesn't spark my interest because they are airheads and the one's that spark my interest are either taken, b****es or dirty... or a combination rofllll I graduate from RHS so that I can meet more people and maybe there'll be some characters who are similar to me right? mayyyyyybeeeeeeeee lol. The cats that I mess with now are very cool, I just want to meet some people that are similar to me- I think it would be cool. I got acceptance letter from HOWARD!!! (not the community college lol) Now if UMD would send their crap so that know what my future holds... YEAHHHHHHH OHLEHDUE-EHHHH lol.
I need to get my self confidence up too... people have "packed" it out of me lol.
I have more to say but what's life without a couple secrets right? lol peace.
OKIE DOKIE??? okie dokie.
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